Dear Children,

We are most certainly living in a world that is blind to the truth.  So blind, in fact, that as we are reared in the darkness, we have, many, become moles, unable to step into the light and live.  Such is the light that illuminates our mole-ness so that we are either transformed into something entirely different in that light, or we choose, to once again, live in the darkness of unenlightened comfort.  

I can see that C.S. Lewis was correct in creating the Chronicles of Narnia, for we are indeed heirs of a different world, only stepping into our adoption at the calling of Christ, and the effort of all supernatural powers battling over each child.  We must hold strong to the knowledge that Jesus will not lose even one. And yet, we must be mindful of the battle that rages. The war has been won, and still the skirmishes continue.  Some full scale onslaughts from the enemy whose goal is to kill, steal, and destroy the Children of God.

You must know, and I must proclaim, that the Kingdom has come.  Christ came to earth, and His people rejected Him. I can understand, He did not come as they expected, He did not free them from the rulers of earth and raise them up as an earthly nation as they longed for.  Yet, He gave something far greater. But, that is a different story.

Today, I must ensure you have heard that The Word is the only truth.  It is spoken of in nature, seen in the stars, and in the new covenant, written on the hearts of His children. The world in which we live, is a weaving of elaborate lies, half truths, and supreme distortions. So deceptive is the trickery, that we have come to believe it is the real truth, but this is the most perverted of doctrines at once an obvious lie, and still an alluring trap of so much temptation that appeals so directly to our fallen nature, without intervention, we are lost.  

I pray that your eyes are opened, that you are freed from the darkness.  You must understand, freedom does not mean that you are no longer residing in the darkness, but that a light has dawned. The light that led the Israelites at night, a cloud by day, This Is what has come to lead you out of captivity, our promised land awaiting us in glory.

Father, Heavenly Father, worthy of all praise, please help Your children to see clearly, and understand Your truth.  The Truth.

Darkness of Pain

Dear Daughters,

I have been swallowed by the darkness of pain.  Knelt in the belly of the great fish and cried out to God.  Aware of both the darkness and my only true hope, yet the darkness persisted.  I have believed that for there to be hope, the darkness must abate, that the result of hope would be the sun.  Yet I have found that hope persists even more in the dark and becomes the anchor for rising each moment in the darkness.  My hope is firmly grounded in Christ and what He has finished not in the hope of the sun to one day shine . The old is passing away. The old belief that someday I would exit the war.  That the battle would be decisive, in the flesh, and the war would end in a miraculous peace, while still in this earthly dwelling.  And now, I know the truth, this is a lie. While I dwell in this tent, the war will rage, and Christ is my anchor in the darkness, not my rescue from it.  

I confess that I am keenly disappointed in this, and I often grieve deeply over the awareness that I am ordained to be in war my entire human life.  It is not the way I want it, and I believe that it was not the way God intended it at the creation of this earth. My soul longs for something else because it was designed for something else.  This fallen state is not the final state.  All of creation groans in waiting…my own groaning and grieving is actually the appropriate state.  My rejoicing, is because Christ has overcome death, He has overcome the darkness and one day I will be with Him in the light.  I can rejoice now because this is true, even though I cannot see it with my natural eyes, I believe even though I cannot see.  And to this we were called, not that we can see and fully understand now, but that we are assured by the assurance of the down payment of Jesus Christ, that this is indeed our inheritance, a heavenly kingdom redeemed from the fallen state.

Father, please sustain us and remind us that it is only the great I AM that does truly sustain.  In this world, LORD, there is so much trouble, and I find it at times almost impossible to remind my soul that You have overcome the world.  Please help us as we persist in this fallen world.  Please strengthen us and give us the courage to do Your will.  Please teach us to love You, ourselves, and others…in YOUR way.

Because of the Lamb of God, Amen

God is With US

Dear Daughter,

Jesus said, “In this world you will face trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”

In moments of darkness, you will need to cling to His truth.  Drench your mind in His Word over and over and over again. Bathe in it 7 times, 49 times, 70 times.  Rak Chazak Amats.  Beat your imaginary sword against your chest and growl that out loud, Rak Chazak Amats!

I know this place.  This battle ground. I am here again.  I saw the signposts on the way in and sat down on the log that is still at the edge of the field.  So I make camp and prepare for a long wait, digging into the earth and staking my tent, here I will dwell until God calls for the Jordan to part.  Encamped around by the enemy, I can hear the hoots and hollers of their believed victory. The Jordan in front of me, the enemy around and behind. Yet, the presence of the LORD is immediate.  Be it in life or in death, I will follow. To the Jordan, through it, delivered by it, on the sword of the enemy, it matters not for God is with me. My house, His house. My debt, His to pay. My questions, His answers.  My hurt, His healing. My my my my my…all His. So I will wait upon the LORD and hearken unto His voice. Forgetting what lies behind and reaching for what lies ahead, I will run this race with God’s strength, armed with the full armor of God.  If I live, I live for Christ. If I die, I die for Christ so live or die, it is for Christ.

No Middle Ground

I keep circling back to the same realization, the same choice: either I trust Him, or I do not.  There is no middle ground. And, it continues to be a choice. I assumed, wrongly believed, that to trust Him meant that I would no longer make that choice, but be, naturally, walking the path of trust, without thought, without a repeat decision, but guess what?  That is not true. Apparently being a “living sacrifice” means that I maintain my personal life, and God did not lobotomize my decision center upon accepting Jesus. I really thought He would. I believed that all the pain or trials would be washed away in the knowledge that God is with me, Jesus finished it all, took all the pain and sin upon Himself, and therefore, I would observe the pain of my circumstances, but remain untouched by the emotional devastation of them.  It’s almost laughable to write this because it seems such a ridiculous belief…but I believed it. That has been part of the struggle of accepting God as He is. It turns out, He is nothing like I expected Him to be. All of my religious upbringing, the abusive legalism DID NOT bring me to Christ! It brought me to a place of deep questioning, and if anything, pushed me far, far away from ever knowing the REAL GOD, BUT, in His grace, He reached out for me, in that far off land, and called my name.  In that place of brokenness, hopelessness, nowhere to run land, He called my name, and I had exhausted all of my self-efforts. All the places I have run before, turned out empty. All the places I believed would bring joy, healing, comfort, may have given momentary, passing comfort, but ultimately, they proved unable to meet my deep need.


I cannot adequately put into words the goodness of God, or the path I have taken, that He chose to work together for my good, but He is there.  In every moment of searching, in every heartache, a song, calling me home.


The bedroom greets me silently.  Where days ago there was laughing life, today there is just the emptiness of yesterday that didn’t speak into today.  The quiet is so loud that I shut my ears against the pain, motionless like the air that once danced with their presence, now still.  

I cannot say that it is like standing on the threshold of death; I have not gazed there, but it is standing on the edge of loss that cuts like glass.  Even when you think you have it all swept up, inevitably, a piece eludes the broom, the mop, the wet rag, and catches your foot unsuspectingly, the surprise of the gush of blood, reminders of the brokenness, and it washes over me like a fresh wound.

I stand there again, at the doorway to a bedroom that holds the potential for silence.  I know I will endure if it is God’s will, and yet my will is to sit at the entrance and cry, rocking with the memories.  Yet life is apparently bigger than loss; so I shut the door and walk by without looking anymore. And I am robbed so deeply that the loss is nothing against the pain until I can’t tell the difference because I am a walking heartache.  My one prayer, on repeat, “Help me.” It isn’t even spoken, but a cry of my soul that cannot break out of the sorrow.

My only hope, that God will stay His hand that is raised in discipline.  Yet I stand, because there is no where else to run, and no hope of any destination.  I stand because it is the only place hope might blossom, in that Hand. My own way mocks me with the mirror of what is and the glimpse of what might have been, so the only cry I can now whisper is, “Please God, order the steps of my life, and help me to be still while I wait.”  Because my way is to run and do and bury the pain in something other than hurt, which usually ends up hurting even more. So I stand until my prayer is for God to do as He wills no matter what it takes.

An empty bedroom, an empty bed, an empty heart except for Him; please be my chandelier, my cake, my white woodwork and hardwood floors, my crystal glass and built in hutch, my green spring, my wood smoke fall, please be my joy in the sadness and the echo of sorrow in the joy, please be my strength and the One that catches me when I weep, please be my all and everything even if I must face the emptiness of a life that didn’t grow as I planned.  From the empty tomb rose the greatest blessing of mankind. May my empty serve as a reminder that You are not in the empty, that You have risen and the light that dawns on my heartache is the morning of Your presence in the hurt, the trials, the joy, the contentment, the loss, no matter what comes, You came to earth and You alone are my hope.


The Gospel

Dear Daughter,

First, you are loved.  Even if I am not with you, even if I am gone to be with Jesus eternally, you are loved.  I know this because He said, specifically, “And these 3 things remain, but the greatest of these is love.” I have loved you out of the overflow of His love, so dear daughter, you are supremely loved.

Second, I have found that this world has many difficulties.  Jesus warned us, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”  One lesson I have learned in this is that I need to continually tell my mind what to dwell on, and often, I have to do it out loud.  The Bible tells us to think of things that are lovely and noble and beautiful. Here are some things I say aloud:

I am not alone, Jesus sent me His Holy Spirit, so I will never be abandoned or forsaken.

My true hope is in Jesus.

I do not have to understand, to trust, God.

Lately, I have been struggling with reconciling my history with sharing the truth of Jesus. How can I, a person who clearly has a history of sin and poor choices, tell others about God? How can I possibly be a representative of HIM? I simply cannot create a list that would make me suitable for this purpose. I have, in short, marked myself “UNFIT” for the task.  And guess what?!  Apparently, I am not alone in my personal assessment!  Paul had the following to say about himself, Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst,” (I Timothy 1:15, NIV).

Apart from the healing balm of Jesus, I am unfit.  We all are.  On my own, I am fallen, sinful, and broken, but in Him, I am redeemed, righteous, and whole.  May we live in Him and Him in us.


It is SO easy for me to believe lies UNTIL God allows me to be confronted by His Truth. 

Oh, my dear, sweet daughter that I love.  May He confront us with His Truth, no matter how uncomfortable the lesson may be.  I love you enough to ask that He would bring you to Him, no matter what it takes.

With love,



April 9, 2018

Dear Daughters,

One of my goals in life is to point you to the real God: the God of the Bible.

I have misunderstood Him for most of my life.  Somehow, through the upbringing of my childhood, and my own attempts to control the outcome of my life, I created an idol and named it GOD.

In a counseling session years ago, the counselor suggested that perhaps I had created a wrong version of the real God, and I have been on a quest to find Him ever since.

In a sermon from Timothy Keller, (can’t remember which one) he says that a quest and a journey are different: you can return from a journey, but a quest results in being forever changed, and never being able to go back to whatever there was before.  My walk has been a quest.

Here is what I have learned: once upon a time, I believed that if I could figure out a secret formula of behavior to please God, I would lead a life in which I was comfortable.  My end goal was not God, but comfort: comfort was my god. I was blind to this reality, and more than that, I was blind to the reality of who God really is.

Through various life events, I ended up with hours upon hours on my hands each day, and miraculously, God led me to focus on Him during those hours.  It started with me listening to preachers and gradually morphed into listening to the audio bible

The Word of God has changed me, I pray, for forever.  The Truth of Who God is, Who Jesus is, and my purpose has shaken me out of slumber.

“Message to Sardis

“To the angel of the church in Sardis write:

He who has the seven Spirits of God and the seven stars, says this: ‘I know your deeds, that you have a name that you are alive, [a]but you are dead. Wake up, and strengthen the things that remain, which were about to die; for I have not found your deeds completed in the sight of My God. So remember [b]what you have received and heard; and keep it, and repent. Therefore if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come to you” (Revelation 3 New American Standard Bible, NASB).

I was dead, and I didn’t know it.  I thought I was alive, I thought I was in control…I was so wrong.

Please, seek God, the True God; read His Word.  Nothing else matters.  And no, everything will not fall apart.  Everything will fall under Him, and you will have more than you ever dreamed, regardless of the circumstances.


I come before You and ask you to save my daughter from the lies of this world.  Whatever she has learned about You that is a lie, please teach her the truth.  Change her heart, Father, do whatever must be done to grab her and save her from the lies.  Please awaken her to the REAL GOD, may she come to know You as You truly are, I ask in the name of Jesus.


The Marble Jar

So, I dropped my jar of marbles.  Everything that I had staked my self on, who I was, what I stood for, all gone in the sweaty grasp of my hands on that jar.  My hands were angry and mainly deceived.